What keeps me writing is the realization that language can be an agent for change: processing both the trauma and the mundanities of daily life that will abscess and erupt left unchecked. I write as much for myself as for my readers.
Tomorrow is my dear friend José’s birthday. He has weathered years of my scatterbrained moments, from watching me slap my crying mother on camera to standing up to my irresponsible predisposition for sex. He would call me every day when I was hospitalized. He outwitted the “machine” that I believed to have control over my body at the time by speaking to me in Spanish through the wired phone. He procured timeless concepts such as “the limits of language are the limits of your world” and “woman you are destined to become”.
“One day you will look back and realize that everything you are going through is defining the legacy of the woman you are destined to become.”
-José, with every message he left me
He would send bunches and bunches of flowers to my parents’ home where the deliveryman spoke to me in lush, beautiful imagery and I would cry, cry, cry. Most of all, I think the discord between us that I would sometimes feel between us was dissonant but ultimately meaningful. It changed the way I approached relationships. To remain authentic, but approach the mental sparring with a growth mindset.* My early mentor, Jon, drilled into my head that we contain multitudes.
*One of my young 10yo students reminded me of Carol Dweck this week.
In a funny contrast, many people think they can get away with the same thing. Several young girls pretend they put money into the vending machine with no vend to get free snacks. Holding the dialectical that people vary but also follow shortcut heuristics is a new discovery for me this year.
Speaking of navigating human interaction, I’ve spent the past few years nurturing minds, albeit briefly, into adulthood. I remember screaming in the E.R. that anyone could “shove an entire fist up my ass if you could protect and be a role model for Lizzie and Leyton (two kids I regard with fondness.)” Seeing these young small beings grow in their own tendril-like rose heads from the concrete… Gives me hope yet for the future.
I was chatting with Lizzie’s mother while working at the club this week. She mentioned she would be out-of-town attending a conference in NZ, regarding her specialty of supercomputers. Not that I underestimated her, but that moment brought me some clarity. The talented people in the world appear the same as the rest of us. As many billions of people there are in the world, the talent dispersal in concentrated environments, e.g. techies who play badminton, means that I am very likely to meet people of high caliber intellectually here. I find interacting with people of this demographic to be challenging and enjoyable. The part of my perception that is distorted, I think, is that many badminton players seem to work the same sector of jobs. Thus my sample environment of people I can learn from needs expansion. Needs work.
A good avenue to meet new minds and innovate on what you know is through games. My brother would nod and grin if he read this paragraph. Kai introduced me to an RPG: Pyre (makers of Hades, i.e. Supergiant Games). The simple choices of how to respond to dialogue actually teach you something about how to interact in real life. When you make choices, first evaluate the integrity of each person. Next, that answering the most resonant and correct reply creates a better connection than being wisely silent. Don’t avoid what is most correct.
Even if my interactions proceed perfectly… I blunder in my mind with obsession.
Today I spent a few hours in crisis, nearly to the point of undoing the last 11 months of progress: 1) thinking that if I don’t get X person to like me, I would rather be single for the rest of my life. Am I being conceited for having these double-cross thoughts while I am in an existing relationship? 2) assuming that the successful dancers, intellectual elites I aspire to be reached their heights without medication.
Receiving frank criticism from reputable sources (in Ray Dalio’s terms of radical transparency) has led me to understand my key failures: quick and sloppy emotional thinking without revision AND all-or-nothing mindset. Taking a second to respond to my own thoughts with empathy but also stiff integrity makes my mental state stronger.
More specifically, once I realize the pattern of my being a slave to emotions, which leads to months of moody recidivism; I can respond not just viscerally, but with the benefit of leisurely calculation. Please note here that I don’t support Stoicism in its entirety. Emotions imbue life with a special evanescence. Ephemerality— not to be ignored. Experiencing the full spectrum of possible emotions makes you less compassionate (pitying) and a more understanding (thus objectively better) human.
Keep in mind that you can never feel the brevity* of life again as it was, since memory is also distortion. But when you recognize and appreciate the wall of mirrors that is your own perception, you can take a step back from what you experience: literally, just like how as a kid, I used to stare back at my dad until my focus made him look 10 feet further away from where he actually stood in my room and it calmed me. In other words, depersonalized, reality becomes less scary because your existence rounds down to 0 in the context of the universe. As with my dad talking to me as a teenager, creating space literally and mentally away from him lowered the intensity of what he was saying.
As with the input your brain does receive. Remember that whatever externalities your mind chooses to encounter and address have been refined over millennia for your survival.
*double entendre: a) concise and exact use of words in writing or speech, or b) shortness of time
Case in point: no one wants to date ChatGPT… unless you date someone so they can do your homework for you (reasonable in this day and age!) without emotion. Romance is such a popular movie category for a reason. Also, tits and butts. It’s not very controversial to say that women are more beautiful than men are handsome.
I have one more piece of subjective perception to unpack: projection.
This is why diversity matters. The more situations you tackle headfirst, the more people you can relay information to by heartfelt and genuine means. This is what it means to just “get it.” This is what Gen Z would call “vibing.” In Blackness, this is what Toni Morrison, as my high school English teacher Mr. Goodrich captured so elegantly as a white person, means to witness but to never truly be able to understand. To jump the chasm of understanding before the whole cliff of hope and sensitivity and good intent erodes as a whole.
It’s impossible to be evil if you have a 100% understanding of the human experience—
Let me take you on a case study.
How you treat your stuffed animals reflects on you just as much as how you treat your waiters.
Real life is even better than Toy Story. If you played with dolls or plushies as a kid, you will understand. The childish imagination of imbuing a non-sentient object with rich inner lives; microcosms of backstory. The power of belief is all you need to begin experimenting with different situations between toys. What is the social landscape like in your bedroom?
In fact, when I am either having sex or masturbating, I make sure to cover Snoopy’s ears with a blanket.
In the last few months, Kai has given me a white nondescript animal which I have dubbed “Snom”. Sometimes during therapy sessions he’ll kick Snom violently off-camera in jest. I’m just saying… having experienced violence doesn’t mean you’ll be more or less violent. But you understand the implement of hell or heaven that your body and mind can become through firsthand experience: and you are more well-rounded for it.
Put simply, they are a reflection of you. I have another Pokémon substitute plushie that I don’t remember who I gave him to. I often feel empty and miss him just as much as, if not more than my ex.
Which brings me to my last point. RDF, or reality distortion field. Popularized by Steve Jobs and his biographer, this delineates the concept that through sheer will alone, you can architect yourself a way into a better future.
“[Jobs’] reality distortion is when he has an illogical vision of the future, such as telling me that I could design the Breakout game in just a few days. You realize that it can’t be true, but he somehow makes it true.”
– The Woz
Movement in a positive direction requires two skills.
- Sharp and analog (i.e. instead of digital… continuous as opposed to non-continuous signals) understanding of other humans. What each wants and fears. Analyze whether this is a novel or repeated situation.
- Creating your own modality towards a future you want to occupy. What infrastructure do you need to build among other people and things?
In my next post, I’ll take some time to expand on how RDF applies directly to my life. Thanks for your time if you’ve read this far. xx