I’ve tried and tried, but expressing love always makes me feel like a fraud.
What if I don’t love him the way he deserves? What if my past romances tangle and trip me into the present? Why is there a societal expectation to love one, and one only?
But instead of making love a predicate for a single person, it’s easier for me to imagine love as a well of sorts: A place which can be depleted, replenished, and drawn from. Some days are harder than others to express affection and care. And that’s okay.
As it relates, my good friend Roviel sent me an article about “spoon theory”: a concept in which a person with chronic illness describes feeling exhausted to loved ones. The writer explains that each of us has a finite number of “spoons” to dedicate to completing daily tasks. For the average person, their quantity of spoons is enough that they don’t think or feel burdened. But for someone with schizophrenia, depression, or obsessive tendencies like me; spoons are in high demand, and low supply. A person’s CPU is overloaded. Its fans are whooshing in the machine that is a human. Basic tasks require way more spoons than it is possible to carry.
Love spoons, in particular. With this metaphor in mind, I am reminded that less spoons for loved ones in my life just means I have to be more creative with how I expend my effort. For example, I already enjoy cooking, so feeding loved ones is easier than trying new things with that special someone. In addition, I can express love in a more casual, Japanese way: “Did you eat?” “How did you sleep last night?”… which doesn’t have the same pressure as “I love you” or “Marry me.”
Furthermore, winning at the game of Life is more about avoiding unnecessary hardship than outright success. When it comes to relationships, I try to maximize upsides and reduce negative probabilities: e.g. I meet new faces through volunteer work; I avoid places where exes occupy to respect their space; I surround myself with people who are understanding enough to tolerate when I am lost in my head.
My first relationship was filled with doubt, yet after it ended, I have no doubt that I loved him and that we created something synergistic.
Once love is realized, you know. And the best part is that no one can take love away from you.