forever is easy


As my classmate suggested, I peaked in athleticism in my early 20s. It was a moment of great struggle against authority but also learning to do whatever I wanted, unchecked and enjoyed alone.

I took thousands of photos in that time span. In a period of severe distrust and paranoia, I deleted it all. Voice memos of when I could still sing, and hundreds of conversations with strangers. I’ll never know what it was like. I was skinnier back then. I must’ve had something going right with the amount of people I matched with on Hinge.

No record of any of it remains. I’m bitter but liberated at the same time.

But that’s an anomaly in today’s data-heavy cloud storage where everything is kept and referred back to for hits of nostalgia. Somehow your past becomes your identity. “This is what I used to look like, this is where I’ve travelled, and the friends I’ve made…” Instead of your own memory, your experience becomes external. I’ve come to realize that this maybe isn’t a good thing, unless you are a photographer by trade.

Instead of fond memories I have dreams. Dreams of people I’ll never see again who I can hang out with and sit next to. Ask things I never dared to ask. It’s even better than a snapshot in time. It’s my perception of a complex system that is a person brought to life. I cannot lucid dream but some days I go back to sleep in the hopes of seeing him one more time.

Maybe Adrian is right. Maybe I did peak back then not only at my badminton skill but also attractiveness and mental alacrity. But along comes Su Bingtian, the first Asian man to break sub-10 seconds in the history of the sport of 100m sprint. And he’s over thirty years old! And when you discover that kind of media that is shocking and sensational and so true… at least for me, it shifts my mindset. With dedicated effort, objective measures can be achieved by more than just natural inclination deep into one’s lifetime. Combine this with Youtuber Pewdiepie’s quote about how success is easy, but staying at the top of the world at something is much harder.

In my eyes, age 20 is when a lot of women “peak.” This is the initial success. Then you realize the rest of your life is still ahead of you. And maybe you aren’t as sharp as you were then. But just like in sports, wisdom takes over. You learn to make informed decisions and play with your intellect instead of raw muscle. There is always the chance to peak again.

You think you have forever to do the things you want. This is the easy, carefree mindset. But every age range has its peculiarities. And to smooth this over only when you’re in periods of euphoria is not very beneficial.

I titled this article “forever” because I’m dealing with a few eternities at this point in time.

A. Technology tends to accumulate mental buildup. I am learning to be careful with what I record and save as it influences my future in a profound way.

B. I only die when the last person who knows me forgets me. Even if I don’t remember an interaction, there’s a chance that someone will remember for me. It’s maybe not forever but quite an infinity.

C. My relationship style is to love someone until the end of time, even if maybe doing so is not healthy for me.

D. I always have told myself I will relegate my big decisions for me until after my parents pass of natural causes. It’s a time game.

E. I’ll always come back to me. I have the tendency to repeat myself when I write, panic when I have to perform, exhibit low-self esteem in social situations. Running parallel is also the trail of results I leave behind. Crumbs that exist in their own frozen blockchain in time, regardless of how I feel.

Most of my dreams these days are about being back in school. Every time I realize that I don’t need higher education and I wake up. So that dream has unknowingly come to fruition. It’s my footstool towards the secret desires my heart tends to repress.

Yesterday I met a cat named Dex in my dreams with his glowing, goat-like golden eyes that transformed before me. If I adopt, I’ll name him as such.

Because dreams never lie, do they?

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