“Was that really all it was? Sex for romance?”
I conned my way into my very first relationship. I knew I was underqualified to be a life partner at the time, so I emphasized the experience I had gained in the years prior in which nearly all my relationships were ONS or held on by continued intimacy.
He had dated before. I had not.
“We both know if I wasn’t pretty you wouldn’t go for me,” I piqued. I met him on the last painful dregs of a court-mandated depot injection. Somehow, he waited. He drove a while in order to visit me in the ward for less than ten minutes. We played footsies under the guise of connect-4 across the table. He explained the science behind dampening vibrations from the radiator as he placed a chip on the top of the board. I hugged him deeper and deeper each time as I wasn’t sure when I’d see him again. Violent put-downs were not uncommon to witness, and he would call me on the wired telephone for hours, playing word games amid the banging and screaming.
As our relationship unfolded, the conversations we had fluctuated madly between the gossip and the deep unseated fear we would sometimes stumble across.
“Red pill, bitch.”
In terms of basic contractual obligations, I had failed him, thus… breakup.
But let’s rewind for a second.
How do we use contracts in day-to-day life?
I’ll start by mentioning family duties. I would exclude such relationships from “contract” because they depend so heavily on the family dynamic. There’s a reason why family-owned businesses are more hotheaded than regular corporations. Parents and siblings put up with a lot more personal shit than most people can afford, without explicit reward or rules.
I would argue that the first defined contract that young people encounter is that of student and teacher.
My high school mentor gave me this beautiful list:
Students exchange attention and locus of control for the gain of knowledge in a specific domain.
As a teacher, the tradeoff is to use one’s time to share and transmit new information (anti-gatekeeping) for a fixed salary.
John Cage’s rules are closer to the contract of the soul, i.e. what happens when you approach a task with full intentions. You see something you appreciate and then you move forward to secure the heart of what you love. The formality is not restricting but rather an incredible benefit.
The second big contract that teenagers encounter is dating. What is to be gained and what is the baseline?
Here’s my five y.o. understanding:
- exclusive physical touch
- mutual affection
- supportive and not controlling
- both parties able to express safely in conflict
- other love languages (quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts)
Disregard for any of these tenets will likely result in erosion of the contract.
MYTHICAL CONTRACTS
My very first therapist suggested the idea that we interact with other people to use them. It’s a bit of a morose opinion but let’s run with it.
If you read my guest Jamie’s post, you’ll know we’ve both been consuming this manga called Chainsaw Man. Foundational to the plot lore is the contract between Devil and Human. And it’s more relatable than you’d think. The identities or motives of both parties may be concealed. Taken from the CM wiki:
“It is shown that a human may be deceived as to the identity of their contracted devil which has no effect on the contract; as long as both fulfill their terms the contract is valid.”
I think this piece is so important because our understanding of the world and the people who inhabit it is always going to be limited. Despite this, forging bonds and establishing common ground can be beneficial to everyone involved. And I think the real reward comes with compromise and sacrifice of things important to you. This could be time, body parts, or even loved ones.
Without going too dark, I’ll end this here.
What types of contracts keep you running? And with whom?