I remember in my freshman year of college, while my dad was working to establish a real estate presence in Providence, he would always call me during class and in the evening. “Cook dinner for me,” he told me.
It didn’t take me long to understand that I was adopting the role of a stand-in wife. Relations between my parents were quite hostile, and I could sense his loss and subsequent thinking about how to fill the depression as fast as possible without regard for quality.
Instead of complaining about the situation, I should have put family first. It was easy to make excuses about how other families at Brown didn’t rely on their kids in undergrad. But he was blunt and vulnerable about what he needed.
I failed him.
Now that I’m four years older, I have enough of a backbone to deny him certain requests, especially when he uses the rationale of “I’m so busy with three jobs, I don’t have time.” But this is because the circumstance is different. Even though my mom gets resentful, she still cooks and maintains family homeostasis.
Away from home in 2018, I would often worry about my parents. I would even have panic attacks thinking about what one friend told me about her getting bullied in childhood. I was all worry and letting the past and the uncontrollable seize me frozen.
I finally understand what the book that my first therapist gave me meant:
“GET OUT OF YOUR MIND AND INTO YOUR LIFE”
I never thought I could leave home because I didn’t want my dad to end up alone. But my pity was ill-placed. That perspective denies him agency. He’s a grown man and I shouldn’t engage with him out of fear or sympathy. I’m getting better at acting out of love. A patient love, to be specific.
I think when it comes to familial conflict, you have two options. You can do what you’re told, or you can embrace the discomfort of argument. No one course of action is the superior; you have to learn the situation to apply one successfully.
On the whole, I like to adopt a headstrong model of living when it comes to blood relatives and nuclear family; to the contrary, a collectivist model when it comes to in-laws.
I no longer interpret push-back as a problem. If you look one step deeper, it occurs because someone cares. At first, I was unhappy because Kai’s brother wanted dinner earlier. But he voiced the concern because his mother sleeps early. I was able to stay quiet and smother my ego, to my relief.
Receiving opposition can often be a sign of promise, for the following reasons:
- You have entered a competitive field for which you are providing a possible solution.
- You are surrounded by people who have skin in the game.
- There is at least one person in the room who thinks you can do better, and is willing to voice constructive criticism.
With this in mind, I don’t take comments as personally. I’m able to overcome the unjustified irritation I feel when someone tells me to do something different from what I’m used to. I often wonder if the famous tennis stars with dads for coaches feel the same.
Anyway. Here’s a meal you can put together in 30 minutes or less. I had the exact same dish from a restaurant just yesterday, but the homemade version is twice as good.
Adapted from recipetineats.
EQUIPMENT
- plastic bowl & colander
- glass bowl
- wooden spatula
- chopsticks
- large non-stick pot
INGREDIENTS
- cooking oil of choice
- optional: duck fat / shrimp oil, in lieu of regular oil
- one bunch spinach with stems
- 2 garlic cloves, sliced
- 2 tbsp cooking wine (removes chalky and bitter taste)
- 1/2 lb. chicken thigh, diced
- 1/2 cup chicken marinade
- 10 large shrimps, peeled and deveined
- 3 eggs, beaten
- one pack he fen (fresh rice noodle sheets)*
SAUCE:
- 2 tsp dark soy sauce
- 1 1/2 tbsp oyster sauce
- 1 tbsp light soy sauce
- 2 tsp white vinegar
- 2 tsp sugar
*New Oriental Supermarket in Littleton, MA carries this product on Thursdays.
PROCEDURE
- Marinate chicken thigh overnight in the fridge.
- On the next day, stir-fry the chicken in a few tbsp oil. Remove from pot and set aside.
- Sauté garlic in a few tbsp oil, and add spinach. Stir-fry on HIGH for 5-10 minutes before the greens turn yellow. To finish, add wine, then salt to taste. Remove from heat and empty into the same container as the chicken.
- Stir-fry the prawns until pink and set aside.
- Scramble the eggs into small curds and set aside.
- Stir together all SAUCE ingredients until sugar has dissolved.
- Cut the he fen into 1/2″ strips and add to pot on HIGH. Pour sauce over the noodles and begin to separate the noodle strips with chopsticks.
- Combine all cooked items and stir gently. Serve hot.