The ephemerality of goals

Just because an idea appears in my head does not make it good.

Back when I reduced my future to a statistic: namely, that I would end my life early to suicide… My dreams changed.

Instead of channeling my ambition towards a profession as expected, I realized that I had a far better chance in building a family. My sudden dream was to have kids early to change the future by means of someone who was not me… before my fatalistic demise. But also that I should not have biological children to prevent passing down failed genes.

And in order to do that, I would desire a partner first. It is common knowledge that two-parent households provide a better foundation for adolescents than a single-parent environment.

Boyfriend? Check.

The rest? I have been unable to get anyone else to agree with me.

I soon realized that this way of thinking is destined to fail. There are too many factors and conditionals and variants to ensure that this dream would come true.

Luckily, my outlook has changed after over half a year of mental stability.

It would be unfair to pin my legacy and selfish desires on an independent agent. As much as parents claim the achievements of their offspring as their own… This is no way to live.

My drive, my ferocity, and every hope I had before the age of eighteen. The flame extinguished by my circumstance has returned after five years of mental genocide. Once again, with the naivete of being young, I want to help others in a crucial way.

Even now, on the days I am well, I abhor leisure time. I feel guilty for spending time with loved ones and often daydream about servitude.

When I remind myself that loving a significant other can be a form of rescue too… My heart eases. I think the loneliness of men is a subject often ignored. It feels really good that love has the power to heal.

And only recently have I come to the conclusion: I should not simplify charitable actions to “saving a hundred lives is better than saving one.” Each life is priceless and an immeasurable contribution to the human experience.

I find that when I narrow my scope of what I want to do and what I want to achieve… I am able to perform at my best.