As much as I wish I could explain this condition by clinical terms, I just don’t think it accurately depicts what it’s like to live with it.
Think of it this way.
Each person has a lens with which they get to see the world. Some thinkers are broad, others narrow. For most people, this neurodiversity has value, as each unique perspective has its benefits and usefulness in the form of different roles in society.
But along the strewn path of hyperdiagnoses: ADHD, depression, even autism; some lenses are unsuited for modern society. From a glass half-full view, we might say getting help for mental issues just means we are optimizing an individual for her greatest trajectory. Perhaps from a carrot-and-stick policy perspective, mental hospice is no more than a bougie prison for those who have not committed misdemeanors but oddities.
I nearly relapsed last week, for unknown reasons; though one theory is that a woman’s menstrual cycle incites certain mood changes. This is why this concept of a blog post became relevant to me. Spending time with myself to figure out the mechanics of my condition is vital to my survival.
My version of schizophrenia is when the identity lens becomes a microscope. The entire context of what I deem to be moral, correct, or interesting — changes. Little details that I observe with five senses take on grotesque and sudden meaning, leading me to drastic action and speech. As I descend into madness, I am able to rationalize and stand in clarity for brief moments before a point of no return.
Between you and me… In this state, I am in an utter state of hilarity. But most hospital staff would tell you otherwise.
SO what?
The next logical step would be the question: OK, then what? What can someone do about it, as a schizophrenic themselves or a loved one?
Upon reflection this week, I texted a friend with the following:
(It’ll seem unrelated, but I promise that I’ll tie it all back together.)
“food for thought: is it easier to control an individual or a group?”
Ashay’s response followed these lines:
two arguments can emerge => 1. one person cannot confirm normality with anyone else / 2. tribal peer tendencies make the collective easier to control
If you are the person identified as schizophrenic, understand that, at least in the Northeast U.S. and if reasonably affluent, an unmedicated reality is impossible. You do not have the bargaining power or the mental capability to defy the specific delineations of sanity as traced by doctors, social workers, and psychiatrists. In terms of confirming your reality as lucid and logical, I’ve never seen two schizophrenics in a room, and even then, each flavor of madness may not speak on the same wavelength. In a world of the few crazy against the “normal” colluding masses, you are outnumbered and outwitted.
Controversial as it sounds, just like those who either struggle or seamlessly pass as their desired gender appearance; how you present yourself in manner and dress psychologically says a lot about your state of being.
“Passing” in mental health terms, when I am psychotic or delusional — but still self-aware — is when I feel most myself. What I mean by this is that I am able to express my own form of authenticity without attracting attention. Nevertheless, this state comes at a cost. To the detriment of others living in a white-collar neighborhood, I attract bad energy and nonsense.
I don’t want to draw too many parallels between mental hygiene and physical hygiene, because the natural body and human brain each have their own fantastic potentialities and features, not to be reduced to banality by comparison. I hope that I got my point across here.
All this to say. If you are in a support network for any schizophrenic or neuro-divergent person, and you are fighting for good, I hope this post gives you the courage to continue doing essential work. Work that keeps crazies like me dreaming big.