In my brief stint at Brown, the most fruitful results of what I learned there had nothing to do with the academic content. Instead, I absorbed deeply the introductory and closing remarks of each professor: sometimes broad and sweeping but ultimately resonant over a lifetime.
From TAPS (Theatre Arts & Performing Studies), Sarah D’Angelo was able to quite brilliantly explain that even in the most creative spaces, copying someone else’s work as closely as possible results in the evolution of something new. The act of duplication, reproduction, iteration… all big words to say that it’s impossible to remove yourself from whatever you digest and produce.
* With one caveat: I learned the hard way that cheating in STEM is a carbon copy bound to fail. I take that from personal trial.
Combine this with what section lead Alan Landman from Linear Honors told the class: that whatever you experience is preceded by context. However limited a single person’s perspective is, their understanding is no different from a mathematical induction. The framework for encompassing everything is to begin with a base case. This is the “context.” Then, with a additional few assumptions in hand, we can group the rest of the situations into an (n + 1) state, thus covering all possibilities.
Of course, reality is not always so clean cut. Breaking away from the comparison of living discernment to induction, the last hole to fill is the trivial case, or “zero identity” in my mind: i.e. as a solution to life’s problems, suicide is the most simple and obvious option, which other means of approaching life derive context from.
The combination of inductive thinking and acceptance of eventual death proves to be a great mental model for conquering daily life. Sure, this process does not hash out nicely, as it is a mix of several concepts from pure mathematics and computer science; but with the base case context of personal values compounded over a lifetime, and with the added urgency of every moment —the results are unmistakable.
I must add two key addendums to this concept.
- Feynman: Castling
- Instead of knowing what to do like in chess, in which some moves are legal and others not, we begin innocuous.
- You see how each piece moves, and draw appropriate conclusions.
- Switching the position of the king and rook kingside or queenside breaks the patterns of what you know.
- Your model of reality changes.
- Caroline Klivans: Discrete Structures and Probability
- The actual example proof she used is irrelevant
- TLDR: Start with falsehoods and you can prove anything correct.
Mathematical to moral, you can see the results of these ideas in large populations to great effect. Simplistically, this points to not only herd mentality but also American exceptionalism.
(Don’t worry, I’ll bring this spattering of quotes together by the end of the article.)
The last big quote I remember is from Jason Protass, that elite higher education is a cult, for which you must determine yourself whether or not it is worth subscribing to. Lucky for me, I fell out at just the right time.
The best way to summarize what I’m thinking about all this is to mention a conversation I had while working my regular Thursday shift at the club. A player, Kranthi, confided in me for having similar mental disorders as me. His speech covered a wide array of beliefs both philosophical and ontological. If I had to tell you what he said in a few words, I would mention Kierkegaard, Socrates, and Nietzche. I tried to interject and pepper the dialogue with some conflicting remarks, but overall I really enjoyed what he was expressing to me. It screamed agency and uncovered a lot of social influence, which is a black box for many.
But best of all, in challenging my intellect, he changed my perspective. Not exactly like his, but somewhere between us.
His way of making sense of the world is to put truth first, above all. But I find that outlook to be too cold and scientific. It lacks artistry.
My favorite Chinese analogy is that each of us stands in a well, looking up at a little circle of sky. We can talk to each other, and see each other, but we’re all really just frogs that fuck and eat and make loud noises from hell.
Combine this metaphor with Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and that is more my speed. Does escaping the cave really mean one is superior for having greater objectivity? Learning and responding to the way my parents see my disorder at its most severe (and rightfully freaking out when it happens) turns me away from the glorification of “truth” that I believe I have when fully unmedicated. I have settled for family over my own enjoyment.
“Kranthi,” I argued, “In order to survive, we must operate from what we have. For example, I trust that my dad is protecting me even when I don’t agree with him, and I acquiesce. Knowing more doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll make better decisions. Why ignore the value of mental shortcuts, trust within a clan, or the acceptance of the well’s limited diameter?”
* not verbatim
I haven’t seen or talked to him since.
In a beautiful way, Kai is sensitive to light. When we nap together in the daytime, he covers his eyes with a mask or the covers. Somehow, I find that demonstrative of more emotional means.
We’re similar. We look forward to sitting in the darkness.
And when we look up at each of our own pieces of the sky, we can point to some of the same constellations. Cassiopeia, Orion… then we watch the sun rise and set at the same rate like kittens to a laser.
I helped dog-sit this past week, and besides getting raging congestion from the dander, the process helped to clear my mind. To absorb what is immediate is to progress, just like how Hero was able to mature and learn what is good behavior over months in the right environments. Nihilism is mid.
I bought Mexico 66 Onitsuka’s, which make me look like a moderate clown because of sizing issues. My desire to look like Emma Watson off-duty fell apart.
I’m working through what it means to be gamine, as that’s an aspect of my personality and appearance that people (especially Kai) seem to like. Not to cater or pander, but just to jump into the world as a well-oiled cog.
This article has been subconsciously writing itself in the back of my mind for a while now. Every time I go on a small writing hiatus, I think about what Candi wrote me in my senior year of high school, admiring that I think in just the right amounts.
Readers, I haven’t forgotten you. Just taking my time to produce content of good standard and length.